Not having a baby: Part 4

If you read my last post about not having a baby you may think that I'm just horrible for not wanting a child. I get that sometimes; "How can you not want such a blessing? Such a bundle of joy??" Stop for a minute and think about it. We're not all the same, we're not all going to have children, and that's ok. Think of all the children out there that don't have a mother or father to take care of them. Do you want that child? A lot of you would say no, and a lot of people just want children because they want a little "mini me".  That's not the point of being a parent. The point is to bring love, encouragement and development to that child. To build them up and help them have the best start in life that they can. And as they get older help them as much as you can to be who they are meant to be, to the fullest they can be.  If you think I am selfish and the only reason you want a child is to have a little mini you...well...I don't think I'm the selfish one.

I've often thought of adoption, I think I could do it and we've talked about having one or two naturally and then adoption another child. It's up in the air and it's something I'm very serious about looking into when we're at that point (I've already looked into it enough to know the basic costs and how it works).

You may still be wondering what's going on here "She said she didn't want kids". No, that's not true. I don't want kids now, and I don't want a baby. I don't love babies, I have no interest in having a baby. If I could just skip to two years old I would! That's one of the reasons why I'd rather adopt (most people that adopt don't want kids they want babies, I'm the other way around).

 I've gone through a really hard time in my life with my parents divorce and other issues and that put me at a point of being really closed off and scared of being hurt. Long story short in all of that I didn't want kids. I didn't think I would ever want kids and I didn't think I would get married either because I just didn't want to risk it. I've come a long way since then and I know I will have children and I'm excited for the time when I want to but that time is simply not now.

I'll be really honest the idea of being pregnant, giving birth and breast feeding freaks me out. Women tell me it's just so natural and wonderful. Ok, I'm sorry but pushing something out of me doesn't seem like something I want to do. And having someone suck and bite me, no thank you! I'm not dreamy about all that. Kids are hard, a lot of work, and they'll drive you crazy. I know that, I'm a realistic so you can't convince me of rainbows and flowers on this issue. So in the end I need to wait because when I get to that point I want to be excited about it. I want to be excited about that new season and that new life. Now would be a very bad time to have a baby so that makes it even more important for me to plan ahead like I am.

I know having children will change my world in a wonderful way, and I know when I'm there I'll be so happy that we've done what we have, waited like we have, and that I'm emotionally and physically ready. It's going to be a beautiful time but for now I'm not having a baby.

Not having a baby: Part 3

Planning. I love planning. I love looking at all the things I want to do and sit down and plan how I'm going to make it happen. I love looking at our incomes and and working out in the budget how we can do a holiday, go out for a fancy dinner, take a road trip, buy a new tv or whatever it is. I love planning and working toward things. I don't think there's anything that I've done that hasn't had some element of planning. And if it was "spontaneous" we had the money in the bank already in a "just in case" or "rainy day" fund.

Planning is almost my best friend I love it so much. Because of good planning we had an amazing wedding, taken a 4 week long honeymoon in Europe (a year earlier then we initially thought), built a house and sold it (a year earlier then we initially thought), bought a triplex, giving us a house to live in, instead of renting, and have 2 rental suits then onto of that (2 years earlier then we initially thought), and the cherry on top we got to get a dog because we got a house and yard for him. And those are just the things in the last 2 years! We have no debt (other then our mortgage) and have taken three major trips in our married life and we're planning the next to Thailand and Bali. (Note: We don't have large incomes, we're in the low 5 figures)

I'm not trying to brag, but like I said last week, I'm selfish and there are a lot of things I want to do before we have a baby and I'm going to plan as much as I can to make these things happen.

Part of planning not to have a baby is birth control. I'm on the pill, I've read up on all the dos and don'ts, we use condoms if I ever get sick in anyway or am late even an hour on taking my pill. I know my ovulation schedule and all of that fun stuff. Take the most anal person you know and 10x that's me when it comes to birth control.

When people talk about having babies and I tell them we're waiting I often get that "Ya, we were on the pill too" where I say "Oh, we're very careful, trust me. We're not getting pregnant" and they reply with "Ya, we were too.  And that's what we thought". I mean really...unless I'm drunk (which I never am) I can use a condom and take the pill. Let's be honest people, the pull out method doesn't work, and condoms as your only birth control is not a good option.

The pill costs $20 a month. Ok, yes, annoying to pay for but it's better then hundreds to thousands of dollars a month for having a child. It's a no brainier for me. I want to have $10,000 in the bank for having a baby before we get pregnant, and we don't want to have kids for at least four years, so that's not unrealistic at all. The last thing I want when I have that special new addition to our family is stress about money. I want to be planned and ready so that all there is is joy and happiness for this baby.

Planning isn't a bad thing, waiting isn't a bad thing, in fact it's a great thing. So plan I will and working toward financially and emotionally being ready is what I'm working on. All this brings me to my last issue: Simply not wanting a baby. I'll tell you about that next week.

Not having a baby: Part 2

Last week I talked about the pressure of having a baby. I don't do things like that under pressure. I don't do things just because others want me to, especially when it comes to such a huge life decision. And I mean wow, to having a baby just because "everyone" says you should? That is not a strong person! And guaranteed you will have times of resentment and regret and who wants that when it comes to your child. To me that's the last thing you want. Which brings me to the second issue...

I'm too selfish to have a baby.

I love my life just the way it is. That's not a bad thing, it just is what it is. I want my evening and weekends, I want my 8-9 hours of sleep each night, and if I want to be up till two in the morning it's going to be because there was a great party. I love spending my money on me, and my house, and Marshall and going out. I love taking holidays and going to movies whenever we want. That's just where I'm at and I love it.

I've heard people say "Having a baby makes you less selfish". Well of course it will, you have no choice! What are you not going to feed and dress your baby? For me I want to work on my selfish now, and do all the things that I want to do now and get to a baby when I'm ready. I have goals, and things that, well, simply are selfish, and I want to get them done before a baby comes along.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that and I want my babies to come into the world with me happy and ready, being satisfied with the things I've gone out and done with my life before hand. I know life doesn't end when you have a baby; I'm not saying that at all but a lot of things changes and I want to be sure that I'm ready and happy with what I've done. This brings me to my next issue- planning, which I'll talk about next week.

Not having a baby: Part 1

For one of my classes in school we have the assignment of writing four blog posts. I already have three blogs so I decided I'd write and post them on here (lucky you guys!). We were asked to pick any topic we like.

I thought about it for a while, bounced back and forth for a while and was struggling with what I could write about that would create enough content to cover four posts. I thought about some of my travels but I've posted so much about that, I thought about wedding planning, but well, I didn't want it to be an informative post, but more personal. Then I remembered how I wanted to get more personal and real with you all and write more about my feelings and thoughts. I've done the Confessions posts, and I plan to keep doing those but I thought having children is something I can for sure write a lot about!  So here goes, sit back and get ready. You may or may not like what I have to say, but after all this is my blog, and my self expression, so take it or leave it.

Disclaimer: I will have children, I think kids are great, and a blessing, and everyone has a different path in life that  is right for them.


Not having a baby: Issue 1, Pressure 

I get a lot of pressure to have children. I'm 26 and I feel very young but there's this pressure of getting on it.

There's a mix of two worlds within my life:

The one that is the average person my age: travels, goes to school, doesn't get married till at least 30, and kids are something that's optional, not something they feel they have to do. My mom, sister, and dad fall into this category as well. They don't pressure me, they don't ask or tell me when I should have children but rather encourage me to do what I want, when I want and tell me "It's your life, you can do whatever you want!" 

The other is the Mennonite side of things. Marshall- my husband- comes from two Mennonite sides, both of which got on having kids at 16 or 18 years old. It was get married and have kids. That was the life you lived. And at times it was get preggo, oh, opps, now we get married.

On my mom's side I've never felt pressure, and on my dad's side (also 100% Mennonite) I don't feel a lot of pressure but I also don't see them that often, likely not often enough to have pressure applied.

Now me, being the free spirited person that I am, I don't want to do anything someone tells me to do. I don't want to live by anyone else's rules but I want to decide 100% for myself. I am married, so of course I need to make these sort of decisions with my husband but knowing myself well enough I didn't pick a man that couldn't handle that side of me.

So the first issue with me having children is pressure. I won't do anything under pressure to confirm, that's just not who I am. And that's pretty much all I need to say about that.

Don't worry, if you feel like this post was a little stunted it was. That's because I have so much to say that I had to stop myself somewhere! I'll have lots more to say next week.

Confession: It's not who you are

I love this quote (and the art!). It's so true isn't it? I know for me right now I stop myself because I don't think I can do something, I think I don't have enough talent, or education, or brains, or motivation, or looks or whatever it is. I so often come up with reasons why I don't think I can do something. I focus on something that I don't have instead of looking at what I do have, or what I could do to get what I want, or get to where I want to be.

It's so dumb that we limit ourselves like that. It's ridiculous that we think that way and that we let others push that on us as well (I know media does a great job of making me feel small!). I try hard to limit the crap that I take in but I need to definitely replace that with good and wholesome things. People, teaching, TV shows, movies and whatever else that is positive, uplifting and encouraging. If I'm not pumping anything good into myself I'm always going to feel this crappy, feel this down on myself, feel like I can't get places right? If we don't replace bad thoughts with good thoughts we're going to get down and depressed all the time!

I could rant about this a lot longer but I feel like saying much more then this would have no point because it's really very simple- be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Encourage yourself and take encouragement from others. Get busy working on you. If you don't like what you see or hear from yourself do something about it. The only person that can control you is you.

Confession: What hurt can do

I recently found out that a former good friend of mine holds on to bitterness and not forgiving like life it’s self. They got it in their head that something won’t change and won’t move. They believe the lie that hurt has caused and won’t see passed it because the wall is up and the belief is there that “people don’t change”. When a person is in that state it’s really hard to prove or disprove anything to them. It’s hard to show them love, care and kindness because it’s almost as if it rebounds right off of them like a repellent. They become stubborn, hurtful (because deep down they still have hurt), mean, rude, critical, angry (that’s one of the many steps to hurt, one that is there in effort not to be hurt again), and see no hope in people or situations changing. It’s hard to convince anyone of anything on a good day but when someone takes things so far and puts such a wall up you can’t get through to them unless they themselves take the steps to healing and start dealing with their issues and hurt, whatever it may be, no matter how big or small.

I’m not too sure why I’m really writing about this and it’s not my usual confession; me saying how I feel about something but I guess it just occurred to me that some people can’t be convinced until they convince themselves. I’ve known this for a long time but I guess seeing this person again made me realize it all over again.

My husband said to me once that you can’t be sure that someone won’t hurt you or leave you but you have to believe that they love you and that they’re there for the long haul. You have to decide for yourself to trust because they can’t prove it to you once and then that’s it, you believe forever. He’s right, it really comes down to a choice. It really comes down to you choosing to trust people, choosing to let them in, choosing to believe what they say and do. It comes back to love and forgiveness bundled in grace. It’s your choice.

Confession: Having Babies

Ok, if you don’t know me I’m not a baby person. I love kids, I think they’re cute and I want to have some but I don’t care that much for babies. Ya, they’re also cute too, fun to dress up and it’s cool to teach them to learn different things and watch them develop but I’m not one of those girls that goes “OH MY GOSH LOOK AT HOW CUTE THAT BABY IS?!” and has to go and hold it.

I’ve baby sat since I was 13 and worked at summer camps with kids since that age too but I can’t say it’s a passion. It really was just a job that someone that age could have, and it was something I was good at. The summer camps were great, don’t get me wrong. I loved teaching classes and leading kids, again, I like kids, but the babies, I just don’t care that much.

For the longest time I thought something was wrong me, like I was missing some sort of woman gene, like everyone had this mothering baby loving instinct but me. I usually felt really bad and just went along with it when girls would talk about it or I would just find a way to stay quiet about it so I wouldn’t be questioned or pin pointed. But, now that I’m married, and even when we were just dating I get asked “When are you having kids?”, “So are you going to have babies right away?” usually my response is to the point “We’re having them in 5 years”. There’s really not much to it and why is that super important anyways? We decided we’d have kids five years in to our marriage and that’s that. Honestly I’ll think about it then. I know it’s coming, I know we’ll have them and I know I’ll be happy when that times comes, but it’s not that time now, there’s a lot of other things to focus on in the mean time, there’s lots of other relationship work and financial work and just life in general that I believe should be done before we get there. Why not ask me when I’m going to follow my dreams? Or when I’m going to take that trip I’ve been planning for years? Or when I’m going to get a puppy? Ok, I know it sounds like I’m totally downplaying (but not intentionally) one of the most life changing things out there, but why is it all about babies, getting married and getting a house? Why is it only the big things that a lot of people care about and focus on? Why not other things, why not little important things to that person? It’s not a competition on who gets married first, has a baby and a house first.

I guess it’s hard to really put into one sentence what I’m trying to say here but I guess it comes down to this: we’re all different, we all do life different, no one should have to fit into a box and be the same. I know God said “Go forth and multiply” but I think those people that have 20 kids really got that covered for the rest of us that are timing it out, or won’t have kids at all.

Don’t worry, when I have my kids I’ll be the happiest proudest mom out there, and I’ll do it well because I know I can and I want to but for now I really don’t care about babies and kids that much and I think that’s perfectly OK.

Confession: Shallow Goals

Ok, so recently I decided that I needed to do something brainless and relaxing. I’ve been under a lot of pressure and stress lately and have had a lot of health challenges and a lot to deal with financially and with our house. I’m already way too serious about life and dealing with things and taking on too much so I figured (as suggested to do many times) that I would do something just for me, something that brings me a lot of pleasure but is really easy and relaxing. I looked around a bit to figure out what that might be and I decided that watching Glee was it. I know, it likely sounds really silly but here, let me explain. I never am free the same night every week so I have to either rent them or watch them online with totally excites me with the goal and planning part of me. I even wrote down all the numbers of episodes and am marking them off as I go to make sure I don’t miss any. It totally does it for me. Not only is it a nice fun little goal but it’s almost zero effort. I love novels and stories but that requires sitting and thinking as you read through the words. In this case I just get to sit or lay there and enjoy. I love the story; I love the fun and whimsicality of it. I just needed something light and fluffy.

I know, I know, but really hear me on this; we all need to take care of ourselves, we all need to take breaks and we all need to have hobbits or easy goals that make us really happy. Life is too short to always be going going going and in fact you’ll just make it shorter if you do. Just like taking the time to smell the roses, take the time to enjoy something just for you, no matter how silly it is. It’s for you after all and it’s about what makes you happy. Take care of you, it’s your responsibility (most of the time) anyway.

My Sick Story Update!

So if you didn’t read my first post here’s your chance, go back here and have a read. To recap we had bedbugs, I was on a Candida diet.

We did all the things we needed to do to get rid of the bugs (you can read details on that in all the bedbug posts I did!) and pretty much just waited. It was like having a part time job; after work we’d come home and check out another piece of furniture. We’d get out the flash lights and tooth picks and get to it. Sure enough both night stands had bugs hiding in them (and we found eggs!) and of course the bed frame. Right now our bedroom looks like a cquorenten zone. There’s powder on the floor around all the walls, outlets, edges of furniture, under the bed, on the bed frame and anywhere else the bugs could get (the powder is diatomaceous earth to be exact), we have no night stands and the only furniture in there is my empty dresser and our bed. There’s no clothes, no nothing.

We had a pretty good routine going. We’d spray, flip the bed, search for bugs, find a couple, kill them of course, and then wait a couple of weeks (for any more eggs to hatch) and then repeat. Every week we’d wash the sheets and put all the bedding in the drier for an hour and vacuum the whole house thoroughly. As of right now we’re going on 2 and a half weeks of no bits and no bug sightings. I’m sort of holding my breath, I can’t really believe yet that it’s over and we could go back to normal living. I feel like it was a lot of work but not as horrible as I’ve heard it be for some people. I’m able 99% sure it’s over, and all the bugs are gone but I’m not ready to stop living out of bins and plastic bags just yet. I think we’ll spray and check one more time for good measure and go from there. But that’s where that part of the story is. It feels so nice to give you a good report. AND I’ve been creaming and oiling up heaps and my skin is looking great. A little tanning in the summer and my skin will look as good as new (right now it’s got all sorts of little white spots from healed up bites/scabs).

I finished my month long Candida diet. It went pretty good. I had serious cravings and got really board with my food options. And at sound points I was super weak and tiered all the time (I’m guessing part of that was the Candida dying off). I lost another 4 pounds, so that puts me at 116lbs from my original 130lbs. I didn’t need to lose weight, but I wanted to, not that this was ever the point of any of this, I’m not one for dieting, but it’s a nice benefit I guess! Other then that I really don’t feel much different. People keep asking me if I’m feeling better and I have to be honest, I’m not. My digestion seems a lot better and I’m pooing sometimes 2 times a day which feels great but other than that I haven’t really noticed much of a difference. I’m still tiered, I’m having intense headaches and migraines and my (face) skin for some reason has gotten really bad, well bad in comparison to its good state before the diet (breaking out was not something that has been happening for a few months). I went to see my doctor again last week and he said that I’m hypoglycemic and I need to pay more attention to my body and really eat every 2 hours (a little something) and try to have 5 smaller meals a day instead of just three meals a day. I’ll be honest, I’m really not surprised about this. I’ve often had issues with getting super moody or headaches if I was hungry and if I went too long I would just hit a wall and couldn’t do anything until I ate something. It’s a pain in the butt to try and always have some sort of healthy food with me and I need to try and eat lots of food low on the GI which is hard too. I have a lot of studying to do to understand this more fully but already with eating more often I’m feeling better.

That pretty much sums it up for now. I can’t say I’m doing heaps better but maybe I’m doing better on the inside then I feel I am on the outside? Either way I’m just going to keep chugging along. I hope to have a better update for you soon!

If you’re interested in some of my research and health tips I’ve found check out these posts!

Confession: Regifting

As you know the holiday season is coming up and it’s time to go out and buy gifts. Now I get a lot of gifts and with someone like me (who is pretty convinced she has everything she really wants and for sure everything she needs) I get a good amount of stuff that I’m not all together keen on keeping around.

When my birthday or Christmas comes around I’m pretty specific on what I want. Sometimes it’s practical stuff like a rug or a pop corn maker (both of which I got!) and other times it’s gift cards toward something big (like an Ipod, which I got for my last birthday and for Christmas I’m hoping for money toward some diamond earrings!). I care a lot about the thought that goes into a gift but to me, the truth of the matter is if I didn’t ask for it and it’s not something you know I’m into I likely won’t want it. I don’t mean to be mean but there’s a high chance it’s going to get regifted.

I personally have no issue with regifting. I think it’s great to get something either new or used that someone else doesn’t want anymore but that you will love and enjoy. My sister for example suggested that we have a reused and/or vintage Christmas this year. At first it throw me off because I had already planned what I was going to get her but I’ve had a great time going through what I have and found a couple things I know she’s going to love and doing some thrifting for her.

Regifting is great because for one you don’t have to spend very much when you regift (if any at all!) and two you don’t have to spend the time bringing the stuff to the thrift store and three you’re giving it to someone that will like or love what you may not. Some people think it’s tacky regifiting but I think it’s tacky (and unwise) spending huge amounts of money on gifts just for gifts sake, or holding on to all this stuff you don’t want. The way I see it if you’re going to get someone a gift get them something you know they will love, spend within your budget and be creative if you need to. Practical gifts aren’t bad gifts if it’s what the person wants.

So with that said regift away (to me) but remember it just might get passed along again!

Turn Out, Yep Bedbugs

So if you didn’t read My Sick Story I’d fill you in real quick: I’ve been sick, lots of allergic reactions, tiered, back, stomach, all over pain, and migraines. They thought it was bedbugs, my laundry detergent, food, and all sorts of other things that we eliminated along the way. I’ve been having rashes for months and turns out that in fact we do have bedbugs.

We moved back in mid July, we found out two days before the move that the building had bedbugs. We did everything we could think of to make sure we didn’t bring them into our new place and thought we were in the clear. We didn’t see one anywhere and went on with life.

Last week I was in the hospital (emergency room) with extreme stomach pain (unrelated to the bugs, but at the time we didn’t know the bugs were still a problem so the thought was I was having allergic reactions to something; the signs and symptoms being the rash, tiredness and the pain). Eight hours later and (9pm-5am arg!) they said they couldn’t find anything and sent me home. I was still in some pain but it had gotten a bit better.

We went home to sleep (and we did a bit) but I woke up with the feeling of something crawling on me. I quickly pulled back the sheets and sure enough a bedbug!! I quickly turned on the lights and found another one in the bed. I got Marshall up (not that easy to do when he’s really sleeping) and told him this was it, we’re flipping the bed. We did and I was not happy with what we saw. We had put some foam between two wood board because they would make noise every time we got on the bed. The bugs where all living in those cross sections, in the foam (thankfully we had pillow and mattress covers). I sort of did a little freak out as they started to crawl around. I didn’t totally know how to catch them so I got out a lint roller (you know, the sticky tape kind) and started rolling them up (not the best idea ever but I was still half asleep and it was the closed option at the time. It surprisingly does work well!).

Needless to say the last four days have been full of cleaning, laundry, bagging and storage binning all our clothes, and doing lots of research on what we all should do, and where we should all check for these buggers. My mom came over as well and used her high powered steamer which also does an amazing job because of the heat to kills and catch them (we had a lot come out of hiding as she came a long with the steamer). After all that we sprayed down the whole house and stayed the night at my mom’s.

It’s a very frustrating problem, especially seeing as we thought we already sorted this out the first time we were worried. People keep saying “Well at least you know what your rash is from!” which yes, it is good to know, but I still have all my other items/health issues to deal with, and I’m not 100% sure that this rash is just from them. I’m still planning to go for more testing and I’m kicking into the second phase of my Cadida diet in a couple of days so here’s to getting better! Here’s to fixing my body and killing those frickin’ bugs!!

My Sick Story

So I’ve been getting these rashes (super itchy) all over my body since July. It started with what I thought were bites….long story short first the doctors thought it was bed bugs, and although I had had them before from travel and knew how bites reacted on my skin I still did all the appropriate things to make sure we didn’t have them or bring them into our house (as we were moving that weekend!).

I washed everything, and sprayed everything down that couldn’t be washed. We got a new mattress (we needed one anyway) and spent the money on a good cover for it and all our 5 pillows we use every night. I took a shower the last time I was in our apartment, and gave my dog a bath and never went back again just to be sure I didn’t get something transferred over. I even left my moving clothes outside until I could wash them all.

The rash still persisted and then it was decided that it must be that I’m allergic to my laundry detergent (great, cause I just spend 3 days washing everything I own in it!). That started my hunt in finding all natural product and switching to them (you’ll see some of them in my Product Review posts!). I started the long process of rewashing everything and was on a few different supplements to clean out my blood to get whatever was in my system out. It seems like it helped a little but after a couple of weeks (more) it still was fighting strong.

Then it was thought that maybe I have a food allergy and my body isn’t processing the food and the toxins are coming out through my sick (sounds pleasant right?). So for a month I kept a food journal. Through that nothing was figured out and nothing seemed to be more or less of a trigger for these rash breakouts. And to add to that it had gotten so bad that I started to have to take pills every night so that I could sleep because the rash was so itchy that the itch would wake me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep! (This is a big deal to me, I’m the type of person that will suffer for days with a head ache and refuse to take something. I think medication is worse a lot of the time).

Finally the thought was that I should go and get a live blood analysis. It was sort of the last resort. Not that it’s that big of a deal but because I had gone and tried every other doctor and specialist that I could think of (my medical doctor just wanted to put me on antibiotics and was still convinced it was bed bugs) and nothing was fixing the problem. To add to the pile my other issues (headaches, neck/back pain, stomach pain, extreme fatigue, depression, and joint pain) were getting worse. I’ve had various health problems for years and if it wasn’t one thing it seemed to be another. I was doing well for a while there and now this just got to be a huge problem mixed in with all the others that were getting worse too. I was very emotional all the time, crying at the drop of a hat (which lead to many embarrassing moments out and a about when I would start crying and have no clue why!) and something needed to get resolved.
After the blood test (did I mention I did medical blood tests and they told me “everything looks normal, you’re fine”?) I felt even more depressed them before. The specialist told me every problem that I had had, every issue, everything (except oddly the headaches) and that was just from the iridology (reading of the eyes) she hadn’t even read the blood yet. First of all she had horrible bed side manor but for sure got the point across that I had some serious issues: I’m anemic, my liver is not working, and my stomach isn’t producing any acid so nothing is really getting broken down or absorbed (sounds fun right?). She wanted to sell me $500 worth of product (on top of the $130 bill for the analysis) but thankfully I could get it elsewhere whole sale ($140).

So I started on the iron supplement, B21, greens, and after a couple of weeks I started the Colon Cleanse they subscribed (pretty much you have a combination of pills, liquids and powders you take every day, and you can’t have dairy, sugar, almost all grains, and there’s a list of 10 vegetables you can have, 5 different fruits and, chicken and fish). The only thing I noticed from the cleanse was I was more depressed, tiered and I got sick and needed to stay in bed for a day because I was throwing up and almost fainting when I stood up (they should put warnings on these things!). OH there was one positive things- I lost 3 inches around my waist and I’m sure some weight too (although I haven’t weighed myself yet).

So the rash is still there, fights strong, and is now on my jaw line and on my cheeks sometimes (thankfully it’s taken new forms and with makeup just looks like raised bumps) along with the headaches, stomach pain etc. Having my clothes fit a lot nicer feels great and has busted my self-esteem a bit but being in constant pain and itchy really is getting to me.

I found there was one more thing I hadn’t tried – a naturopathic doctor- and finally decided I would (I felt with all the other things I had tried what more would he/she have to say). Last Saturday I went in, (after spending 2 hours at home filling out all the questionnaires and paper work) for a 2 hour appointment. We went over a lot of it, he asked a lot of questions and it felt a lot more like therapy (complete with me crying not lying on a couch though, but rather on a table while I had acupuncture needles in me) then a doctor’s visit.

He, like everyone else, put me on a plan, complete with supplements and lots of guidelines. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel that hopeful yet because everything else I’ve tried hasn’t worked, and I know it’s not an overnight solution but he seems like he knows his stuff and he’s honest about how it’s not going to be fixed right away with just one change (honesty is my best friend in these sort of things!) and I’m willing to give it a good go.

So plan….G(?): Because my stomach isn’t producing acid it’s not breaking things down, causing problems in my liver (part of the reason for the rash) and other organs but more over the sugar and yeast in the foods I eat are not being broken down so I have yeast Candida growing in my GI track, bowels etc. (that sounds so gross to me!). My adrenals are also really stressed, not working too well, and my body is worn down and out. I now need to take 50g of protein a day; in the form of sakes and a lot of meal and veggies (if I can find any that have enough to get to 50g without having to eat pounds and pounds of it!). I also need to take iron, B12, a pro-biotic and lots of Vitamin C. I’m sure there’s some other supplement that I’m missing, but just take my word for it, I’m taking a lot of things! I need to drink 2 liters of water a day and do a hot castor oil pack on my stomach every day. Then I need to go on a month long Candida diet, the point being to kill off what’s in my body and start from there. What does that mean? No sugar (no sauces, dips or dressings pretty much because they all have sugar), nothing with yeast in it, no refined foods (no junk food), nothing with lactose or any other form of sugar, only whole grains (and they really mean whole not that store brand stuff that says it’s whole but you read the ingredients and the first one is refined flour) and then there’s a list of veggies that I can have (only cooked because my body can’t handle raw right now), and I can have 1 fruit (from the approved list) or a cup of 100% natural fruit juice (again from the approved fruits) a day. Surprisingly I’m not that bummed out about this. The 15 day colon cleanse I think was harder because its restrictions were weirder and you had to fast for 4 days in there but 30 days of eating meat, protein and veggies, I can do that.

So there you have it. It’s a journey, that’s for sure. No solution is a fast or easy solution with this stuff (and I’ll probably have to go on an elimination diet after this too to figure out what foods I’m sensitive to). It’s a frustrating struggle but I’m just (super!) thankful that I’m having these issues now instead of going undetected or ignored for years only until they turn into an actual diseases and I’m even more stuck.

I know there are a lot of people out there that have minor and major issues but no one seems to be able to help or relate so that’s half of why I wrote this all out. It’s good to share what you’re going through, it’s good to have people to relate to and my doctor told me to make sure I don’t internalize things (another step) so here’s writing to you, Part 1 of who knows how many posts about this. I don’t care if much if it doesn’t get read (or only half read because it’s super long!). If I can help just one person by being able to relate then it’s worth it, and you know, even without that it’s worth it because I know I feel better already having written it all out!

Confession: Emotional Spending

Like you already know Marshall has been working out of town. We’re going on 2 months now of only seeing each other on the weekends. It sort of just was sprung on us that he would be gone that long, and it just was like “ok, I have to be gone next week, for a month”. I don’t do well with last minute changes or things like that, I love some prep time and some time to get used to the idea of things. But there wasn’t much of an option for that so I just had to deal with it.

The first couple weeks just plan sucked, the next 2 weeks I was just bumped, ate crappy and didn’t sleep well. The next 2 weeks after that I was angry at being alone, stayed home and did nothing because all I wanted was to be with Marshall, but still didn’t sleep well and I cried at anything. Then these last 2 weeks I’ve been I’ve been sleeping a bit better, not crying as easily but I’m shopping. I get board so on my way home I go to Superstore. I do need to get groceries and at first it was out of need but then I just kept shopping and shopping. Now I have cupboards, my freezer and fridge full of food. I literally can’t fit anything more in the freezer, it’s packed!! The other day I spent $480!!! When the cashier told me the totally I almost fell on the floor. $250 of that was clothes, which I quickly returned all but $40 worth. I might return a few more things, but they had this spend $250 thing and get a free turkey, which I love and I wanted that free turkey so bad! Thank God for return policies because otherwise I would have been in some serious trouble. After that day I really saw what I was doing. I know it likely sounds really silly but I was for sure trying to fill a hole or have something make me feel better. At first there was the thrill of having something new, and being a woman who just got a new house I am for sure nesting big time but now I just look at the budget and what I spent and think “How and I going to pay for some of these things and still maintain our saving plan? What was I thinking?” and I get stressed. I’ve sorted it all out now, come up with a plan, and did lots of returning but truth of the matter is I like to spend money, but I hate being a consumer. I hate having all this stuff I don’t need and won’t use and I forgot that about myself for a little bit and got caught up in it all.

We have this free weekend where everyone puts on the curb things they don’t want anymore and you can just go and pick them up. I did it with Marshall in spring and now again in fall with my mom and Marshall. Honestly, I like some of the things I got for free more than the things I spend $20 or $30 on! Isn’t that so dumb??? Not that I like those things better, but that we think we have to spend money to be happy, that we think that that’s going to help, and make other problems go away. It’s like a drug!

I learnt this even more when I got $55 worth of stuff at a store that only has exchange or store credit. I wanted to return the $30 sweater I got but now all I’ll get is a credit I likely won’t use for a long time. Ya, it’s only $30 and it is a really cute sweater but who really needs one more sweater? If you really think about it do you really need more clothes? 99% of us don’t need more clothes, maybe a better classic fashion sense, but not more clothes. And the only reason we have so much clothes is because we’re trying to fit in, express our personality through our clothes and even to have multiple personalities through our different looks. It’s crazy really how clothes and positions can control you. How many times have you looked at your closet and didn’t know what to wear? Why? Probably because you have too many options! I think it might be time for me to take on that 6 items of clothes for 30 days thing. I’d really like to see how that effects me.

Anyways, I say all this just to say that spending money isn’t worth the effect it has on your mind, emotions, and budget, even if it makes you feel good at first. Find a way to make yourself happy without spending money. Yes, treat yourself, but be smart, think ahead to what that money could do for you, and work with your emotions in a different way.

Hi, my name is Amanda and I was an emotional spender, but not anymore!!

Confession: Getting What You Want

I saw this on Gala Darling the other day and I love it. I often wonder this myself, and I really do get almost everything I want. It may takes years but I get what I want. I work hard to get it, or someone gives it to me, or you know birthdays, Christmas, budgeting really well, but I get what I want. AND I think it's ok. I think we should be pumped about getting what we want, I think we should have all sorts of goals and getting and doing great stuff should totally be some of them. No, don't be materialistic, but it's fun and exciting to get something new, to go somewhere we haven't been or to achieve something we haven't before. For my birthday this year (turning 25th!) my husband is having a opal ring made for me and my dad agreed to buying me the rainbow moonstone I am getting made. Those are two things I've wanted for a really long time. 100% material but really great and exciting. I get what I want, I love it and I love to share it. I'm not going to hide my blesses, I'm not going to deny that I am often really spoiled and I'm just going to keep going.

Live your life, don't hold back, don't forget about yourself, and what you want, even to the smallest degree. Don't wait, just get and do what you want. Work toward it, do it realistically (I'm not saying spend money that belongs somewhere else! Be smart) and get and do your life!

Confession: Financial Respect

"And respect is where responsible spending starts."

I read this quote the other day and it really made sense to me. I love when I come across something that is so simple but yet has soo much in it you know? It says a lot but it just puts it in a way that it's like like "Yes, right, of course! As if it's that simple to understand" (but then of course comes the practice part....).

To me you really need to respect your money, respect your responsibilities, respect where you're at in life and work with it. Don't praise your money, don't envy what others have but work with what you have, work with what you can to get done what you need to and accomplish what you dream to.

I think if you don't start with respecting the awesome chance that you have in even having the amount of money you do (remember how little the rest of the world gets a day or year! Even with there lower costs of living it's nothing in comparison to you!) you won't get anywhere, and you for sure won't get to your dreams. Yes, money can't buy happiness but it's a huge tool in getting you going in all things in life! You need to use it, respect it and be responsible with it. You need to keep it in line, know where it is just like you do with a child and keep working with it until you get it to go in the right places, doing the right things. Money is a tricky thing to train (when I say money you know who's really being trained here...) but if you keep at it it learns it's lessons.

Money is either a curse or a blessing and I think it's really all in how you use it.

What do you think? What are your money theories? Struggles? Successes?

Confession: Opinions & Self Confidence

“Someone else's opinion of you does not have to become your reality."

I used to have the hardest time caring too much about what other people’s opinions were of me. If I felt someone didn’t like me that was a point against me and a point for the “Amanda sucks” team. I used to have the worst self-esteem and anything anyone would say about me or to me would get analyzed like there was no tomorrow. I also would pick apart every conversation I would have with others and judge myself so harshly thinking I didn’t sound cool enough, fun enough or smart enough. I used to avoid talking to people because I thought if I didn’t talk then I would at last not sound dumb or make a joke that no one laughed at. I was totally caught up in what others thought of me, or might think of me that I just didn’t have relationships or good ones.

I’m not too sure when or where it was in my teens but I just started to get sick of it all. I started to realize my worth and my potential and how if I wanted to be “cooler” (or in reality more interesting and rounded but I didn’t talk that way when I was a teen…) I needed to work on me, on what I had on the inside that clearly wasn’t coming out or being expressed well. I realized that I had a lot to offer and a lot to say, but I just didn’t know how to communicate it or function in groups.

I started reading books on the issues I needed help with, I started attending more things with people my age (like concerts and youth group) and I kept doing the thing that I loved (horseback riding, DYI projects, thrifting, collecting rocks, training and spending time with my dog and watching my favorite TV shows). I didn’t change who I was I just became a better me. It wasn’t to make people like me more it was because I was sick of caring, putting in all that effort (in the wrong place) and because I knew I could be a better me.

Looking back all the things I was into back then (and still love) are “cool” and “trendy” now. I look back more and think “Why did I stop some of the things I did?” – Because I cared too much of what people thought. There are some things I wish I was more expressive on (I kept doing most of what I loved but I didn’t really talk to people about them because they weren’t cool…I wasn’t totally over people’s opinions in one day. I wish!)

BUT today, today is a different day, today I am a different person…so….here I am confessing to you:

I love vermacature, I love that I have worms living under my sink (and as soon as we are in our house I’m starting my outdoor composter)

I love plants with a passion and gardening gives me so much joy and relaxes me at the end of the day.

I love animals more than babies and think they are way cuter.

I love horseback riding, and I’m pretty sure I always will.

I reuse my plastic bags because I hate spending the money on something that’s just going to be thrown out after one use.

I still love baking and cooking (but I don’t eat sugar out of jar or spoonfuls of butter anymore).

I write down my dream and sometimes turn then in stories for fun (hey, don’t mock it, that’s how Twilight started).

When I clean I don’t use cleaning products (maybe 1% of the time if it’s the tub or toilet) because I don’t like how they make me feel about my effect on the planet and my health.

I go thrifting often and find the coolest used things and love how I can enjoy something that no one else wants anymore and I prefer to buy used anyway.

I walk around naked all the time and do a lot of the things I love naked (Weird to admit? No! I love my body, why not enjoy the freedom!)

I read at least a book a month.

I sew whatever I can and enjoy that creativity.

I still bead all sorts of jewelry.

I paint whatever I feel like and most of it (proudly) ends up on my walls.

AND I just all around love these things about myself and who I am today. There’s always going to be things that I can change and improve on but this is who I am and I’m happy.

What about you? What do you love but don’t admit often? Or what do you want to improve within yourself?

Confession: Change

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."" ~ Abraham Lincoln

How true hey? Everything passes away, everything changes; everything comes and goes and usually comes again and goes again (especially fashion!). I think we feel sometimes like things don’t change because we’re still here, we’re still moving with our life and doing the same things everyday; get up, get ready for work, eat breakfast, go to work, work, have lunch, work some more, go home, make supper, hurry and eat, go out for the evening, come home, take a shower, go to bed and repeat, mixing in the occasional change in going out to: staying in or running errands.

I think everything has a pattern to it. We think things are chaotic but I think if we really pay attention there’s a pattern to almost everything. But with that said I’ve never really been that great with change. Moving to Winnipeg from a small town, my sister going away to school and me staying home, moving into a new house, moving out of my mom’s house and getting my own place, my dog dying (I know that’s a little different than just plan change), changing jobs, changing a routine and the list could go on and on. It used to be so bad that the smallest change would give me an anxiety attach.

Now change isn’t nearly as bad but I still don’t like it. I know, that’s not really a new thing and most people don’t do well with change but that brings me to the question “Why?” Why don’t we like change? Why do we care so much when things change? Why do I care that I have to get up 10 minutes earlier because they change the bus schedule? Why does it set me off and takes me months to get used to it, only to have it change again and take me another few months to get used to that? Why did I have so much anxiety moving out on my own when I had already been away, all on my own, for a year in Australia? Why do we hold on so tightly to things that aren’t going to last? Change is usually a good thing in the end but why don’t we remember that from the last time we went through it?

I’ve started to catch on to the patterns of change in my life and roll with them a little more and it’s been great, almost empowering but that attachment still lingers, that holding on to fleeting things is still there and unfortunately I think to some degree it always will be, and to be honest, I think that’s ok. It’s nice to be able to hold onto something, to hold onto that piece of the pattern, but the part I’m working on is embracing the next piece when it comes.

Confessions: Diamond Envy

So the other day someone told me for probably the fourth or fifth time how much they love my engagement ring and wedding band. We were with a few other girls, the one was gushing about how much she loved it and the others were just listening along, harmless enough. But at the end of the night when I went home I felt a sort of guilt for being excited about my rings, and how great they are and how I got exactly what I wanted.

If someone says my ring is big I’ll say “Ya, it is”. I’m not doing it in a cocky way, or a “Look I have something better then you” way or trying to be flashy, I’m just being honest, it’s a pretty big diamond (it’s no Hollywood ring, but a carte plus is great for a small town girl!).

I’m not a roundabout person, I know what I want, and if you ask me I’ll tell you. My husband wanted to get me a ring that was special just for me and I told him exactly what I wanted. Why not talk about it? Why not make a request? If you’re not going to give your man any hints or pointers on what you want then don’t make a fuss when you get the ring he picks.

I had a girl once see my ring and jab her husband in the ribs and say “Why didn’t you get me something like that? All of our rings together wouldn’t get to a ring like that!” (There were 4 couples around). I wondered for a minute; Why didn’t he? Why didn’t she ask? And why does it matter anyways? It’s not able a huge ring, it’s about what you want, what your man is will or able to get you and your personality. It’s about your story, and your relationship. And why a diamond anyway? I’ll be really honest I wanted a diamond because I like the shape (princess cut) and because it’s clear and matches with everything. They’re expensive and apparently rare (1 in a million diamonds are a carte or higher) which were just bonuses to me and when I got my ring it really wowed me that my man would put all that money into something just for me just because I wanted it. But again, if you didn’t get a huge ring who cares? Does he love you? Does he treat you well? Well those are the more important things! A ring can be a simple of love but weather it’s a big or small diamond the symbol is still maintained! A big diamond ring is just a plus!

I get sort of frustrated when my ring gets me different treatment, or I can’t get as good of deals because I have a big rock on my finger. If you really knew how we budget and save you would see how getting something like a big engagement ring isn’t that hard and isn’t that big of a deal (and trust me, it’s not that we make a lot of money and that’s why it’s not a big deal). AND you’d see how many things I get off Kajiji, from the thrift store, or Liquidation World. You don’t get what you want by spending all you have but that’s another rant I won’t get into in this Confession.

But in the end I’m saying all this to make a point. Diamond envy sucks. I got the exact ring I wanted (to the very last details sorted out email after email back and forth with the designer) and I still deal with it at times. Why? Because we always want something better, we want what we don’t have. BUT I think at the same time don’t be ashamed or shy about what you have! If you have something nice, if you have a big and wonderful ring embrace it! You’re likely really excited about it so why not show it? I don’t believe just because someone else doesn’t have it I have to tippy toe around the subject. We show off our new clothes, or hair do, or designer shoes and talk about the deal we got or the name brand. Why can’t we be as excited about our rings? Just because you have a bigger diamond ring then someone else doesn’t mean you are classier, richer, or more loved then them (it might but I think the stat actually goes in the other direction) but don’t pretend it’s not there either just to please others or make them feel better about what they have.

I mean this more as a principle of not letting other people’s self-esteem for what they have or don’t have stop you from embracing, appreciating and being thankful and vocal about what you have. Again in the end diamond envy sucks, but I’m not going to stop loving what I have if someone else doesn’t have it too.

Confession: Staring

Do you ever get that when people just stare at you? There`s no real reason for them to stare but they just do. It could be that you just got on the bus and they like your jacket, or they think you`re good looking, or they are just staring for staring sake. Or you could be standing or walking on the sidewalk and they are stopped at a stop light near you and they are staring or they are walking by a patio you are sitting at or vice versa.

I hate it when people stare. Take a look, even a second glace is ok, but staring is just rude and annoying, and no one really likes to be stared at.

So I started this fun little experiment; every time someone randomly stares at me I have a one sided staring contest with them. I stare them down and don`t look away until they do. It`s a lot of fun and I usually make a lot of people feel awkward or embarrassed which I really get a kick out of.

Today was a great one! I had just crossed the street and was walking toward the bus stop. There were cars all lined up at a red light and a guy in the passenger side of one of the cars was staring at me. I noticed so I stared right back at him as intensely as he was staring at me and I held his stare as I kept walking. After at least 10 seconds he realized I wasn`t going to look away and that I in fact knew he was staring and quickly jerked his head away. I stared a little longer, just for good measure and then looked away. So far it was the highlight of my day (it`s only 2pm).

Do you have any social experiments you`ve tried?

Confession: Boredom

I’m not going to lie, I get board really easy. It’s not that I have a short attention span, or at least I don’t think I do, but I just get board. I run out of things to do I get board. I read for a couple hours after I’ve done all my projects and I get board. I have heaps to do and have a full month of something every night and I do all the little tasks I need to get done as soon as I can (like writing ads for the suites we’ll renting out in our house when we get it in 2 months!) and then I have a couple of nights free and I get board. I think I have a problem.

I know a lot of people get board, and a lot of people have this problem, so I’m really not looking for sympathy here but I really think it’s a problem in our society these days and if we don’t do something about it we’ll never be able to relax or enjoy life!

I know for me I always feel like I need to be doing something; doing the dishes, cooking a meal, doing my next painting, reading a book, working on our budget, working on my blog (half the reason I started a blog is because I was board!) researching something I heard about on TV or from a friend and the list goes on and on!

Being busy and getting things done is good and all but when you get to the point where I am and feel like you always have to be doing something and on the go you have an issue. I’m not very good and just sitting and having a conversation, or laying on the beach just to lay on the beach, or watching TV for an evening (which I know isn’t a great habit but I think it’s good for you to do mindless things every once and a while!)

Sometimes I worry that I’m just going to run myself into a hole. In the back of my mind I worry that I’m going to just wear myself out. I sometimes know when I need to take a break but I usually don’t take it. I know a lot of the stats on people that just go go go and they’re not very good.

I work hard and it shows in the success that I have in the things I really put my effort into but I don’t want to have just that to show. I know I need to get better at sitting down and just talking with a friend (something I think I am pretty good at with my friend Sara) and I need to get better and just joking around with my husband instead of staying in serious mode for too long.

I need to work on being ok with just being board, and just doing nothing, it’s ok, I need to let it be ok and just enjoy a moment of nothingness every once and a while.... Right?